I have recently been a part of a couple professional situations where folks in positions of leadership have made strong decisive moves that have had big fallout. Their moves have caused pain and confusion for people closeto me. I don't want to blog about the ins and outs of their particular decisions. In each situation, a case could be made for both sides.

       What I want to blog about is this. In each case, there were significant face to face moments where those in power had opportunities, not to take back the bulk of what they'd decided, but to say "You know, I really felt I had to do what I did, but I'm really sorry about how hard and painful this has become." In both cases, they passed on that opportunity. Instead, essentially saying, "You know what, I think I've really handled things great here and I don't really know why you've made a big deal of this."

        In both cases, the wounded parties were almost more hurt by this response than by the original actions. It felt like an unwillingness to recognize that, "I've not just made a decision about an abstraction. What I have done has effected a real person and I need to interact with that person with dignity and respect." Instead, the wounded party has the compounded wound of having been treated more like an 'It' than a 'You'.

      On the other hand, I've seen situations where there was profound hostility between parties in circumstances that felt like they could never get better. And then someone apologizes, or at least asks "How has this been for you? I've been so sad to see how painful this has been for you." And everything changes. I've seen and felt walls of hurt and hostility melt away in a moment. A miracle brought about by a few simple words.

       It has me wondering this. How many wars between nations, divorces in marriages, breakups of business partnerships, destruction of friendships happen NOT because of the original issue but happen because, in those moments that follow the original dust up, we choose to protect our turf, guard our position, yield no ground and refuse to admit mistakes or recognize the other as a person.

      How many relationships do I have that I feel are beyond repair but could be significantly reclaimed and healed by my either saying, "I'm sorry," or "How are you, really?" The reality is, sometimes we DO disagree profoundly with people. Or we have to make decisions that do cause pain for others. That is probably unavoidable. What we DO have control over, however, is whether we, in those moments, SEE the other person, NOTICE their pain and RESPOND in a way that expresses concern and respect. The 20th Century Jewish philosopher Martin Buber, argued that almost all of our interactions are between I and an impersonal 'It' (what I reduce you to). He firmly believed that considering others as 'You' (a genuine Other who demands and needs the best from me) was the secret to all human interactions. Recent events in my life prove him right.